One evening we had all spent as a family watching a show or something like that like we typically did. This night though one of the little kids got sick and was throwing up. So once everything was cleaned up and they were situated in the den with the bucket, Teri got herself situated there to sleep with the child. Brittanie had already gone downstairs with Stephen and I was getting something out of the kitchen before going down to bed as well. Before I could go downstairs Kevin met me by the stairwell in the laundry room. He started grabbing at me, groping and grinding on my body, kissing me all over. Then he told me he couldn’t take me to his room because someone might see and if he came downstairs he may be missed. But he had an ”off kilter” idea and I should wait there for him. He started walking off to his bedroom. What could his idea be? Should I keep waiting or could I just go downstairs and go to bed? What would he do if I did just go downstairs? Would he be mad or angry? Would I get in trouble for not obeying him? Afterall he was the head of my household and my pastor, so I was supposed to submit myself to him.

After what felt like an eternity he crept back in the laundry room with me and took his hand out of his robe and shoved something into my hand and whispered if I wanted I should facetime him in a bit and use that on myself. I didn’t know what “that” even was. I shoved the object into my pocket and went down to my room. What did he mean to use it on myself? And I hadn’t even really looked at the thing, what did he hand me? I took it out of my pocket once I got into my room. I realized it was one of the vibrators he had used on me before. Now I was really panicking, I had never used one on myself and how was I going to facetime him? What on earth? Why was he asking me to do this? Why was he also trying to make it like it was my idea? I didn’t ask him to bring this to me, I had no interest or desire in him bringing me this. Now I knew, he wanted me to facetime him tonight and it was my job to listen to him and submit.
A few minutes passed and we had texted a few times and he joked and said I could always just go to bed if I wanted but that he knew I had trouble sleeping and maybe this would help me sleep.

Kevin told me to wait and once I heard Stephen turn his white noise on for the night that I should then facetime him. So I did just that, after the noise turned on I plugged my headphones into my phone like he told me to and called him. He again joked about how I could just go to sleep if I wanted but that he knew he often didn’t sleep well without “help”. We chatted for a few minutes and I told him I was nervous and wasn’t sure what he was expecting me to do with the little toy. So he started instructing me what to do with it, where to put it, and where to position the phone for the best view for himself. So there I was in my own room, door locked, roughly 2 am, Kevin in his own room and I still wasn’t safe from him. He was telling me how he was getting himself off to me, how much he loved watching me, loved looking at my body, what he wanted to do to my body, how bad he wanted me, ect. He wanted to be able to once again bring me into his own bedroom but he couldn’t risk Teri coming in and seeing me in there. Finally after like 45-1hr the phone call was over. Now I had to figure out where to hide this vibrator and figure out what to do with it. After I found a hiding spot for it, I crawled into my bed and cried myself to sleep.

Now in my life, while yes I still very much deal with the ramifications of all of this abuse. But this specific event, I don’t know if he filmed it. I don’t know if there is a video of me posted anonymously somewhere so he can go back and rewatch it. The sad reality is that I will probably never know. Even if I did find it, it is almost impossible unfortunately for victims to get their sex trafficking videos taken down off of these sites. If they do manage it, it’s typically after many many years in court and lots of money for very good attorneys. It’s something that continues to haunt me to this day. If there was footage of my abuse, you would have no idea how terrified that girl was, you would have no idea how long she sobbed afterwards, no idea how used and dirty she felt, no idea how much she hated herself and just wished she could die so that the pain would stop. Because no one knew, no one cared to try and help her. She was just an object that was meant to meet everyone else’s needs and hers were not important. Her body, mind and soul were not her own anymore. She belonged to the Dodd family entirely now.